i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
