Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
