Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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