dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
