I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
