Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
