Can i not drive my cunt home
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
