Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
