I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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