Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
3 2 1 whiskey
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
