On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
