I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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