I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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