You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
