apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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