Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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