This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
