I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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