someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
