Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
