and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
