I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
