I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
