I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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