I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
