I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Someone came in the potted fern
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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