His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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