someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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