do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
