literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
