is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
