I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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