then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
