O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
