I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
