took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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