I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
