is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
