I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
