By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
