Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
