Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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