Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Damn victory sex feels great
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
