I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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