I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
