Apparently you make a good broom.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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