rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Let's get the cat blown out
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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