I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
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