on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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