So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
