becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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