whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
