My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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