My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
