I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
