i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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