When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
