covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
